16 April 08 - 04:34
Morning Pages
One result of the retreat I took a couple weeks ago, and my chat with the spiritual director there, was that I realized that my schedule has changed quite a bit in the past year. For those who know me well, you may be surprised to learn that I am now getting up in time to get the kids off to school. My husband is out the door to catch a bus at 7:50 am, and someone has to make sure the kids are out around 8:30, so that someone has to be me. This is a big concession for someone who is a sworn enemy to mornings, but it also means that all winter I've had something approaching an hour between when the kids get out the door and when I have to be at the office, a guilt free time that's for me and only me.
When the spiritual director asked me if I kept a journal, I said that I used to, but I didn't any more. There are a bunch of reasons for that. I have always hated any task that has to be done daily; I resent having to clear the table or brush my teeth. Because of that, journaling always seemed to be just another have-to in my life, and it's hard for me to maintain. Besides, the last time I was journaling, I had very small children in my house who would literally chase me from room to room in their quest to be near me, while I was trying to flee to a quiet spot for just fifteen minutes away from them. It was more an exercise in futility than in spiritual centering.
But now my kids are off to school, and they really don't need me that much most of the time. And with my new morning schedule, I suddenly have this block of uncommitted time, and a desperate need to centre myself spiritually. So this week and last, I'm back to morning pages.
Morning pages are a creative and spiritual discipline advocated by Julia Cameron in her marvelous book, The Artist's Way. The idea is that every morning before you start your day, you write three pages longhand about whatever comes to your mind. It doesn't matter if you write three pages of, "I don't know what to write," over and over, as long as you do it. Writing morning pages clears the slate so that you have all the emotional garbage out of the way and you are ready to start creating. It also gets you in the habit of writing something every day, so that it isn't so much of a stretch to put writing into your day when you're ready to create.
I did it for years, well not every morning and not always in the morning, but it's been a few years. And for the past few years, my writing and creative output have dried up to pretty much nothing. I miss writing. I have a few ideas that are bouncing around in my head that would really like to get out, and I have one or two others that I sense are struggling to be born. But every time I sit down at the computer, I either surf the Internet, or play compulsive Solitaire, neither of which are very creative.
I find the pages a little like a confessional. They're often a little whiny, but then again if I put it there, no one else has to hear about it! 
And sometimes I find myself writing something profound. Like yesterday, as I was writing about how many things I hadn't done that were running through my mind, I wrote, "So long as I keep focusing on the 'not enoughs,' how do I ever get to the 'good enoughs'? There. That's something that made my pen stop. I don't know how to get to the good enoughs, and to a certain extent, I don't want to. I'm in my comfort zone when I'm not good enough. I know how to be there. I know how to self-flagellate. To move out of my comfort zone means moving into a place where I'm bad at being good enough. And I can't stand being bad at anything."
So yesterday, I decided to practice being good enough. It was probably a good day for that, because I was so tired after a weekend which held two birthday parties, one for my twelve year old and one for my six year old, plus a visit from out of town family, that I could hardly stay awake. I fell asleep on the couch twice. But rather than fighting it, I just let it happen. If a nap was what my body was craving, that was good enough.
I'm not sure how profound my practice was, but at least today I felt rested.
I'd love to do a 12 week program with The Artist's Way at the church some time, I can't be the only one who would like to expand her creativity. Besides the morning pages, and the exercises at the back of each chapter, each week also includes the practice of an artist's date, which is two hours that you set aside to do something fun, interesting, refreshing, and fulfilling, and you do it by yourself. No bringing spouses or kids along. It's a time for you and your inner artist to play. I didn't get one last week (unless you count the fifteen minutes in Shopper's Drug Mart, browsing magazines), but I'm thinking about taking my inner artist to see The Producers at the Neptune Theatre.
Hope you're maximizing your creativity out there.
Blessings, Heather.
one comment
Journals aren’t new to me, but doing them in the morning is.
But while I’m jobhunting it might be a useful tool. I can spend hours, like you, faffing around online before settling down to search and apply for jobs. I feel productive once I start, but starting is hard work.
A brief clearing of the mental desk first thing might be useful.
I am impressed by your morning-ness! Guess once more, someone has to be the grownup.
EB in London - 21 04 08 - 17:10
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